My Poem About Kicking Your Ass

My friend, if I ever decided to kick your ass
I'd do it slowly and with great subtlety:

I'd come up to you all innocent and sort of start whiffing at your hair,
like phit phit phit phit phit

then I'd kind of poke your bulbous belly to let you know I meant business,
like bup bup bup bup bup

then you'd be ready to get your stupid eye squished around
like shkish shkish shkish shkish shkish

and your cheek flicked as you stand there baffled
like boop boop boop boop boop

and then when you thought I was only playing with your
sorry sorry no-book-returning self

I'd get up on the sofa and let you gaze
dumbfounded upon my awesomeness and then
out of freaking nowhere I'd be like